Attachment by its very nature entails suffering, some kind of struggle or dissatisfaction.? It is an inescapable part of life that we are born attached, the umbilical cord is severed and then we cry.? From the cradle to the grave I seek fulfillment through attachment of every kind. We seek emotional security or contentment in our finances, belongings, religions, spiritualities, philosophies, culture, ideologies, beliefs, theories and relationships.? A love relationship according to a survey is what is? most desired by human beings. It is something that is built into us over millions of years of evolution.? Therefore I will do whatever it takes to understand the attachment that I am engaged ?in in my love relationship.? ?I will attempt to learn whatever I can to succeed. Through the struggle and futility in the pain that I feel, I will derive great meaning, learning, understanding and compassion.? Through this process, I will find peace and contentment within myself and within my relationship.? My commitment to a woman, a life long intimate friend is for me a journey of growth and insight into myself, emotionally mentally and? spiritually.
From this perspective, I cannot be in a relationship without learning, becoming more aware and ultimately changing some of my thoughts and attitudes to life.? I think if I allow it to happen my relationship will transform who I am, for the greater good.? This doesn?t mean I change because my wife wants me to.? No.? I change for the good of the relationship and the family.? As the ones that I am close to, help me to become aware of my hurts and I am able to take responsibility for my shortcomings, I do what I can to seek the answers necessary to understand what I feel and need and how to express it.?? And furthermore I can support my partner with her feelings and needs.? I create the means to be more present and aware for the benefit of my relationship, family and community.? I never stop learning.? This is my purpose:? To be as compassionate and loving as I can be.? My partner is the perfect mirror of myself.? I need to feel my anger, fear and sadness.? The wounds emerge to be handled like a child with care; they are mine. ??The joy that emerges out of this intimate dance of love is experienced more deeply as a result.
????? No matter what I do I will bring some hurts to my partner that I may not know existed, that I haven?t been able to let go of or love and accept fully. I need to get out my tool box and learn to engage with my beloved within a safe structure.? Conversation 4 from Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson is a great tool to communicate with.? I need to check with myself first that I am calm enough to be present and available.? I start with my worst thought(catastrophic thought) that occurs in a situation then I share my feelings(can use a feelings list) and finally let her know what I need( can use a needs list)? the trick for me at first is to keep it simple but be open and receptive.? My partner needs to be able to be accessible, responsive and engaged with me.? I need for her to show me that she understands and wants to comfort or reassure me.? Then it?s her turn to share. I.? As I do this exercise I learn to be more sensitive to my wife?s feelings and needs and I become more empathetic and compassionate.? Some people believe that in order to be in a relationship I need to love myself or they say ?how can I be with someone when I don?t love myself??? My answer is I can learn to really love myself while in a relationship when I create the conditions for the healing process to happen.? ??My marriage can be a healing vehicle, a safe haven or a secure base to enjoy life fully and be content with all things.
Sometimes with my partner I encounter parts of myself that are scary that I would rather run or escape from and I may feel out of control.? This is when I need to care for myself.? I am worth the time for self care and self soothing.? Whether it is a men?s support group, a woman?s support group, a meditation or prayer group, church, yoga or taichi, self nurturing and stress management is paramount to being more resilient and skillful in my relationship so that I can be emotionally aware and present.
????? Couples often have to deal with trauma suffered by one or both individuals.? It has to be viewed as an entity in and of itself and both people work to slay the ?dragon? with the help of a therapist and other supports. It is very difficult at times.? The couple will need a support system to stay out of the pattern.? When things seem too hard a couple may need several avenues of healing such as the ones mentioned earlier and trauma work may be necessary so that the trauma doesn?t consume the relationship.?
????? Finally, somewhere over the rainbow after the dragons are at rest, lies a secure attachment where all things feel possible. Perhaps lasting happiness isn?t something I am seeking moreover it is something that I know and experience inside of myself as a stillness and joy of love, within the embrace of the beloved.? The road is winedy and rough at times. I have to negotiate many turns along the changing terrains, learn much from the bumps and deep puddles.? In the end I discover a real satisfaction and fulfillment.? An affirmation that suffering has a purpose and overcoming it, together with my sweetheart is one of life?s real blessings.
Sol Menard
Source: http://www.apathofheart.com/healingthroughrelationships/2011/05/from-the-heart/
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